Why does it bother me that he may be with someone else?

Why does it bother me that he may have been in town and didn’t get in touch?

Why does it bother me that I may be saying good bye to him forever?

Why???

Talking to a friend last night, she mentioned she had been thinking about my previous relationship with this person. And if I had moved away with him as he suggested 9 years ago, she figured we’d probably both be pretty happy.  The crazy part is I know she’s right. How bizarre is it that your life can be perfectly happy if you had taken two completely different paths? I’m happy with the bf now, but a part of me will always wonder if I had hopped in that UHAUL back in the summer of 2000 where I would be.

Well it seems like it has been forever since I blogged.  I don’t know if I lost interest or what, but I’m going to try again.

Today as I was sitting with the BF at a cafe I noticed an old crush who was a regular at a cafe I used to go to. We were both there on the same nights, and usually sitting near each other. Mind you, this was something like 5 years ago, and I talked to him back then a few times.  Probably would have talked more if I wasn’t such a scaredy cat.  Anyway, seeing this guy made me ponder what would have happened if I had talked to him back then more? Would today’s run-in been a friendly hello, or an awkward interaction with an ex? I really think I had a chance back then, but was pretty stupid.

In any event, it left me thinking about choices. What we decide to do and what we decide not to do and how that influences our lives.

I feel like the universe is trying to send me signs and I’m ignoring it. I had a distance relationship thing with a fellow that didn’t really work out, but he and I did discuss marriage.  Oddly enough, he lives in Albuquerque now. He didn’t live here then and that was the main reason we didn’t work out.  Or maybe that’s what we told ourselves and really, we didn’t work out.  I do not know.

I have this awesome relationship, but I know he and I don’t want the same things long-term.  Am I standing in his way? Is he standing in my way? Should I just STFU and say that I have a great relationship, and don’t need to put labels on it and I am stressing myself out unnecessarily? Ugh.

OH, BTW, I saw my blog from awhile back saying I was digging “4 Minutes” by Madonna. I don’t remember being into that song ever.  Weird.